The all or nothing- “You’ve gained weight, so just give in and eat whatever you want. You’ll never lose the weight anyway.”

Trying not be depressed or disappointed and failing. Never mind that I’ve walked twice this week.

It’s a catch 22 really. The all or nothing script fights with my backsliding behaviors and my depression and they feed off of each other. How do you rewrite the script?

On top of that I’m in the middle of the application process trying to be hired into a Federal job which requires a security clearance. I don’t have anything to hide, but I feel like I shoulda, coulda, oughta’ve _____________. Accomplished more I guess. More than raising a family and caring for my spouse and our home. I’m embarrassed and ashamed.

I’m also ambivalent. I want to succeed, but I’m afraid I’ll succeed too. I feel the same way about losing weight. I want to succeed, but I’m afraid to succeed too. How to solve the discrepancy??

I wish I had a kite. The morning would have been perfect. I’ve always wanted a nice nylon kite. Bright and colorful touching the sky as though hope and joy were physical, touchable things.

I noticed several bird’s nests high up in the trees. Built on what look like fragile, tiny fingers held up in the tippy top of the trees. Held up as though the nests and the babies were offerings to God. Prayers. Hope and belief in the future. Faith in their babies that they will fledge as though they should.

Squirrels are like that too. Have you ever watched a pair of squirrels chase each other through the trees? They leap and bound with abandon. A squirrel in a hurry stretches her body out in the air. Confident she has enough propulsion to make it to the next branch, confident that the twig she’s aiming for will actually hold her weight & rebound from her forward motion. If she falls? She hops right up, shakes herself off and continues on her way.

Parenthood is like that too- you have hope and faith and belief and joy. You hold your precious babies up to the sun and believe they will fly on their own. You hope that if and when they fall, they too will pop up, shake themselves off & keep right on going.

Other than eating a donut for b’fast because we overslept 40 minutes & were late, I managed the plan pretty well today. The eatng part anyway. Lunch was honeydew & cantaloupe & 2 beef tortillas w/ salsa & sour cream & ice water. 2 cookies & 1/2 a piece of chocolate cake.

Dinner will be Cincinnati chili- don’t ask me who named it that or if Cinncinnatians actually eat this. Cinci chili, according to a restaurant near us, is regular chili served over spaghetti noodles.

I’m tired & grumpy & have to go out & run errands again after dinner. The kid down the street is spending the night. I’d forgotten we’d made this deal Tuesday so we returned home this afternoon to a LOVELY surprise. I really don’t like this kid on a good day. Tonight should be interesting. Hopefully I’ll just hide in the back room & time will fly by. I’d better becasue we’re getting up early for Church tomorrow & the kids know it’s a short & fast sleepover.

Naturally this is why I need to make healthier choices- I ate two. I suppose it was better than artificial cheese product on that ultrasoft, pillable over bleached white bread. I oughta’ve stopped at one though. TOO LATE. LOL

Remember the exercise plan for this week? Totally shot to hell. No good reason, really. I’d think, “Hey, you need to go for a walk.” Wait a couple of seconds and any number of excuses pop up. Too tired- from not exercising! Too many errands. Too____. Fill in the blank.

I gotta run. Tomorrow hubby and are driving out to the valley to take oldest son, B, to a small music oriented liberal arts college for their open house. As I type this he sits behind me diligently filling out college application forms. I remember him as a roly poly infant creamy skin, pink gums, enormous smile. Full of hugs and trust and innocence.

Now he’s 6’2″, taller than hubby, skinny, hazel eyed, shy young adult. Not quite ready to step out but brave and hopeful. Where have all the years gone? I look at him and still see the tiny infant. Hold him close. Safe and warm forever.

I’m making black bean chili in my crock pot insert. Daughter, N, will only need to drop the insert into the heater base, turn it on & we’ll be ready. I know I won’t feel like cooking after traipsing around the college all day. This way I won’t take the easy way out and order fast food or something else greasy and fattening.

That’s the plan anyway. I’ll let you know if I succeeded.

I VOTED DAMMIT Leave me

ALONE

NO more: phone calls. phony letters from wives pleading the case of your racist, ignorant money grubbing spouse, irritating TV ads, flyers that go straight into the trash, etc.

On to more important things. I didn’t walk Monday, as promised. I did take the all of the kids to the park today though. We walked maybe 2 miles in the breezes. We had a great time. Laughing and playing. I hope they remember these days when they are older.

Some of the most precious memories I have of my childhood are the walks in the woods. The time spent bike riding down lonely roads. Hiking down the hill to the beaver dam near the lake. Gingerly walking across their ice covered pond to walk out onto the frozen lake. Roasting hotdogs over a small fire under a pine tree. I hoard my precious memories and try as hard as I can to let go of the worst memories. I’ve had enough pain, I don’t need to allow it to fester all my life. I’m worth the effort to let go. I deserve a clean slate.

Those memories help me lay to rest the painful ones. The humiliation, the sarcasm, the emotional pain. Austin linked to a fantastic post about humiliation as a parenting technique. The actual post is HERE. Sorry I can’t pull up the individual post, but somehow I can’t get it to work properly. The date of the post is October 19 2006.

This blog is not intended to be emotional therapy for me, although I’ve gone through therapy. Like most (if not all) people I’m sure I need to go to more therapy. However, at this point in my life I choose not to go. I grew up in an alcoholic household with a parent who is clinically depressed and another who suffers from borderline personality syndrome, alcoholism, severe clinical depression and narcissism. The fact that my sibs and I are reasonably normal well adjusted people is a testament ot the strength and resiliancy of human children rather than to anything our parents have done.

I choose to keep my head up and get on with my life as best I can. I choose to try and break the cycle by being aware, by being proactive. By deliberately making different choices. Trying to break the mold. Or at least change it enough that my own children will be mentally healthier than I was in my young adulthood. My husband and I are sober, which IMO is likely to be the biggest gift we can give the children. We allow them to express their feelings and opinions. Encourage them to think for themselves.

Of course, we have done many things wrong parenting our children. We are only human. We have done/are doing the best we can with the gifts we have been given. All I can hope and pray is that it has been enough. That Hubby and I have changed enough.

So that’s probably as much as I can bear to reveal tonight. My motto has always been to keep ever onward, head up, eyes open.